The Pink Squid

I miss the sincerity in our friendship. I wish there were no underlying emotions involved. I wish you wouldn't just keep holding on to the past and avoid me. I am tired of this cold war. We both know where we are heading towards if this don't stop. I wish I can just say it straight to you.

I wish we are not here. Maybe telling you was a big mistake. How do we be friends when the slightest nice things I do for you arouse suspicion? If this goes on, I don't see how we can stay friends. Maybe you can but I'm losing idea on how to be your friend.

Maybe it is better this way. We should just let this drift and see where it ends up. I am not expecting to turn back the moment I say this. I think this friendship is ladened with too many unsaid words and feelings. I am amazed we crawled this far seeing how terribly opaque this relationship is. We should let it go. I am too tired to carry this emotional luggage. I need to move forward and get you out of my system. With you in it, you're slowing me down.

Perhaps I am selfish but I can't accept haphazard relationships. Its all or nothing. And in this case, I choose nothing. I am not as strong as you. Pretending nothing happened when everything is happening right before your eyes.

I know sooner or later the day will come. It will hurt bad. If hurt is envitable, I choose to hurt now.

I love you. It is ok for you to make me stop loving you. Just don't make me start hating you.

Pictures of you. Pictures of me.

Sometimes I pause at the littlest thing I do. And I wonder; if you are here what would you have done; what difference will you make. I guess I'm missing your presence; struggling to embrace your absence. So far your position is still left vacant and I doubt there is anyone that can perfectly fit the space you left. Maybe I might find someone that can provide as much consolation as you did but I know. No, know is an understatement. I am sure that your seat is forever empty. Cause no one can produce the same resume as you.

It seems like yesterday we last spoke. Seeing your icons idle, knowing that it will never come to life again makes me feel empty inside. Sometimes you run through my thoughts and I get an impulse to talk to you but I know you won't be there anymore. Our last conversation wasn't the sweetest and if I know what I know today, I will tell you how wonderful you are.

Your passing is definitely more profound than anticipated. I miss you very much and these words isn't even half of what I feel inside. Words just ain't enough.

Far and away

Tomorrow, I'm going on a trip. Some crap trip to Malacca which I'm not looking forward to. Yeap, I have the chance to make new people, make new friends, widen my horizon, bla bla bla, I don't give a shit. I just wanna go to office, see my stuck up colleagues, suck up to them, get stuck in jam, get really mad, and come back home. I'll be back on Wednesday only. I'm leaving noon tomorrow. Carrying huge luggage to office and keeping it for the first half of the day isn't exactly my favourite scenario. Urgh this is such nuisance.

My main problem with travelling, and sharing a room with an unknown stranger is sleeping. As I have mention in my earlier posts, sleeping is the most crucial time for me. Anything that gets in between me and my sleep will not have a happy ending. I'm a new comer in my office, I won't like creating conflicts with newly met colleagues. But problem starts if my roomie is getting in the way with my sleep. If she snores or on the lights to sleep, or do anything possible that interferes my sleep, she won't like me very much and neither will I like her. Plus, I don't know nuts about her. How can I trust to leave my belongings in the room? Ok maybe I am being too cynical. But has occurrences in this society provide any comfort in the safety of your belongings? I don't think so. There is a thin line separating cynicism and caution.

Anyways, knowing Thornberry, she has always thought of a way to solve potential problems :D I'm bringing my ever so faithful anti histamine and codeine :) What is that? That's my sleep-inducing potion. Lol. Yes, I abuse drugs but for good intentions. So in case of roomie interference with my sleep, I can just pop those beauties into my mouth and snore the whole night through. That will teach her a lesson about disrupting my sleep. Hehe.

I'm done packing for now. At least I think I brought everything. And I'm not looking forward to be walking around with the extra huge luggage. Embarrassing. Not to mention heavy. Bleh. So much for orientation trip.

Whatever la. Goodnight.

Thornberry and her job

I am starting my new job in 2 days time. Damn, just when I'm getting adjusted to boredom and its bliss I am called to work. Not that I wanna complain on that :D It's a privilege to actually get a place at where I'm going to work.

I guess it's blue run again. I'm going to have lesser chance to blog and even if I do, it'll be monotonous. I'm not looking forward to be meeting new people. Lol. Quite a stick in the mud. You can blame it on the emotional rollercoaster I underwent last week. Or maybe it's hormonal inequilibrium acting up on me :p

I heard rumours regarding my position. They say it's a boring job. Repetitive. Mundane. Routine. Lack of people communication. Desk bound. Back end job. The recipe for a job that makes you snooze. But hey! I am a person who opts for boredom and stability. If words are true about my job then I think I found what is perfect for me :D

One thing that puts me of is TRAFFIC JAM. Let me tell you how bad the jam is in Damansara. Based on my experience and extrapolation and prediction, approximately 1.5 hr is needed to reach my office. OMG giler! And....the cherry on top of the cake is the toll costs rm8 (to and fro) plus parking of rm9 per day! Deng!!!!! I have calculated and did some cost analysis. RM1k is gonna go for travelling only. I think I should really start sourcing for other alternatives. Staying out seem viable now but more thoughts need to be done. It's a huge commitment there.

Anyways RBC called me the other day to offer me an interview. I was effing tempted to go but too bad, I handed in my employment confirmation earlier that morning. Dang! Ok my current firm is relatively better for accounting graduates like me but human nature. We'll never be contented with what we have, do we? Lol.

That's all for today. I'm getting bored of typing. Toodles.

My friend, Choo Choo Train

I first knew him when I was studying in the library. He had an intimidating look. Makes you think twice about approaching him. I guess we got closer cause we studied a lot together side by side in the library. I just know him for like, 11 months. One month shy of one year. But within this period, I created a whole new perception on friendship. I am not his closest or bestest friend. But I do know I am one of his trusted friends.

He is a guy that put others above himself. Take it from me. He is as I said. He is a sensitive guy. He easily falter to his feelings and he gets in touch with what he feels. Sometimes, this may come as his downfall though. I will always remember him as the one who had the best sense of direction. The way he zooms in and out of Sunway parking; I am envious of him. His silly jokes and infectious laughter, never failed to make you shake your head and say "You silly fella." He is aware of how people are feeling around him. It is safe to say he considers about others' welfare and tried his best to accommodate everybody's wimps and fancies. I watched him, and was amazed at how accommodating he is. He is everything a giving friend would be. I don't know him long enough to exactly say how good or bad he is. But as far as I know, he had always been a wonderful friend to me. Obviously he had his fair share of faults but its negligible. But many misunderstood him. Sadly, I am not in the position to stand up and defend him. For I had given him my word, swore to secrecy.

I may know you for only 11 months. But I wanna say is, you made this 11 months even more colourful than it should be. You introduced me to your group of friends which are of pleasant people. You brought me to him. You taught me many lessons of life. I am sorry I was prejudiced against you due to your chacracter. But you proved me wrong. I should not judge you based on my previous experience. You showed me how a friend can be giving and expect nothing in return. And you brought love back into my life again.

You're so young but you already have the answer to all men's question. I wish I can have you as my long term friend. But I am not God to decide your path. Since I can't extend our friendship, my only regret is not knowing you earlier. I'm sorry I haven't exactly been a good friend. The only consolation I have is knowing you're happy on the last day. At least you woke up that morning, living it as a day worth living, and not knowing what is about to come. I guess we can say awareness is overrated. Oblivion is happiness. That oblivion reduces much suffering and pain.

You lived your life to its best. Its not perfect, but it is the way you want it. And you made ours perfect. If I can turn back time, there's nothing I would like to change in our friendship.

I miss you dearly. I miss the choo-choo train that comforts me when I rant. I miss your animated moves and contagious laughter. I miss using the word "choo". I miss having you round for lunch. I miss seeing your nick pop up in MSN. Most of all, I miss everything that makes you, you. And I thank you for being my friend. I didn't manage to tell you that I finally found a job. I promised you I will give you a treat. But it's not possible now. Plus, you haven't tasted my blueberry cheese. I wished so hard last night you would wake up and at least give me a chance to tell you all this.

I am so sorry I didn't tell you before. And I am so sorry I did not chat with you the night before. I regretted it so badly. I have so many things I have not done and you left so abruptly. I feel a sudden loss. And I'm not used to this. There's so much to do with so little time.

This place is not a place for someone as beautiful as you. I won't forget, once, in this chapter of my life, I have a friend named Choo Jian Yi. Rest in peace. I keep you in my prayers.

I think I better stop here. I find it really hard looking at your name.

Thornberry signing off.

Nostalgia

Today, is the day, I've been waiting for. Not something I looked forward to, more like anticipate will come. All these years of sweat and toil boils down to this very day. As of this moment on, I'm officially a graduate. A Monash graduate. Looking back, I had wonderful memories in Monash. Contributions from my fellow mates of course. My bitches. Not all is sweet, but not all is bitter. Better words to describe would be something to cherish a lifetime. I know, I will never walk down this road again. Or pass by this moment again. Do you know what makes those moments so beautiful? It does not repeat and it does not last forever.

I still remember my first day in uni. I was accompanied by my bestie to attend orientation and some sort of briefing. I met my first friend there. That is one girl I will never forget. From then on, we're close buddies and slowly we got accepted into another bigger group consisting of my favourite bitches. I tried removing them from my uni memories and I realise not a single moment was spent without them. They were apart of everything I do, some how or other. This line maybe cliched but true enough, I can't imagine uni without them.

Scheming through my memories, I would have to say my most enjoyable moments in uni would be during my first semester. I did so many crazy stuff; if I share those with my children next time, they will think I'm one heck of gung-ho mum. I wish I can turn back to those times. There's a difference I wish I can make.

So, here I am. I'm at the crossroads. Every choice that I make now matters. One road leads to another. Who am I to know where the road not taken will lead to. And how am I to know where the road I take will lead me to. There are so many choices and options flying around. I'm at uncharted water, I've never done this before and I don't know what's best for me. Worst still, I don't know what I want. Previously, all that mattered was getting through uni but now, getting through life is a total different story. Cause life includes career, and family. Yes, family. That means I have to find my the other half. Tough job.

I have few options lying ahead of me for careers. I've been putting this off for several months. Now, I've reached the point it is looming large in front of me. It is too close to ignore. Choosing career means deciding a major part of my life, with very limited visibility of what's ahead. Guided with instincts and inexperience, I have to make choices of sink or swim. I hate this part right here.

And there's the personal problem. Well, there are certain emotional luggage that I have to leave behind in pursuit of career. That's one complicated issue that I can't seem to sort. And I don't want to fry my brain thinking about it. I don't know if this person is worth the time and consideration in my future plans but I do know I'm finding it hard to leave this luggage behind.

Goodnight.

OMG! I got an F for anger management

Just moments ago, there was another testament to my ailing anger management efforts. I really think I have issues and I am in urgency to set my perspectives right. This is especially scary for him. I seemed to be taking it out a lot on him and I expect a great deal from him.



What happen was a series of coincidental occurrences which adds up to form a picture of oblivion on his part which ultimately, naturally pissed me off real bad. I was on the verge of doing something really stupid but luckily was stopped in nick of time by him. Thank my lucky stars for that. If not, the resulting damages would reflect badly on me. I would appear manipulative, controlling; bottom line, possessive. Well of course he has no clue on what I was planning to do, because if he did I don't think we will be in talking terms now. Worst still, though I know it is nobody's fault now, I cant help but feel pangs of anger still burning inside.

Boy oh boy, I think we have dilemma here. Again, I'm not saying that he is free of fault but my problem seemed to be amplifying it further. I think exaggerating the already existing cracks is the last thing we need in our present position. And that is the only thing I seem to do best....