Today, is the day, I've been waiting for. Not something I looked forward to, more like anticipate will come. All these years of sweat and toil boils down to this very day. As of this moment on, I'm officially a graduate. A Monash graduate. Looking back, I had wonderful memories in Monash. Contributions from my fellow mates of course. My bitches. Not all is sweet, but not all is bitter. Better words to describe would be something to cherish a lifetime. I know, I will never walk down this road again. Or pass by this moment again. Do you know what makes those moments so beautiful? It does not repeat and it does not last forever.
I still remember my first day in uni. I was accompanied by my bestie to attend orientation and some sort of briefing. I met my first friend there. That is one girl I will never forget. From then on, we're close buddies and slowly we got accepted into another bigger group consisting of my favourite bitches. I tried removing them from my uni memories and I realise not a single moment was spent without them. They were apart of everything I do, some how or other. This line maybe cliched but true enough, I can't imagine uni without them.
Scheming through my memories, I would have to say my most enjoyable moments in uni would be during my first semester. I did so many crazy stuff; if I share those with my children next time, they will think I'm one heck of gung-ho mum. I wish I can turn back to those times. There's a difference I wish I can make.
So, here I am. I'm at the crossroads. Every choice that I make now matters. One road leads to another. Who am I to know where the road not taken will lead to. And how am I to know where the road I take will lead me to. There are so many choices and options flying around. I'm at uncharted water, I've never done this before and I don't know what's best for me. Worst still, I don't know what I want. Previously, all that mattered was getting through uni but now, getting through life is a total different story. Cause life includes career, and family. Yes, family. That means I have to find my the other half. Tough job.
I have few options lying ahead of me for careers. I've been putting this off for several months. Now, I've reached the point it is looming large in front of me. It is too close to ignore. Choosing career means deciding a major part of my life, with very limited visibility of what's ahead. Guided with instincts and inexperience, I have to make choices of sink or swim. I hate this part right here.
And there's the personal problem. Well, there are certain emotional luggage that I have to leave behind in pursuit of career. That's one complicated issue that I can't seem to sort. And I don't want to fry my brain thinking about it. I don't know if this person is worth the time and consideration in my future plans but I do know I'm finding it hard to leave this luggage behind.
Goodnight.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
OMG! I got an F for anger management
Just moments ago, there was another testament to my ailing anger management efforts. I really think I have issues and I am in urgency to set my perspectives right. This is especially scary for him. I seemed to be taking it out a lot on him and I expect a great deal from him.
What happen was a series of coincidental occurrences which adds up to form a picture of oblivion on his part which ultimately, naturally pissed me off real bad. I was on the verge of doing something really stupid but luckily was stopped in nick of time by him. Thank my lucky stars for that. If not, the resulting damages would reflect badly on me. I would appear manipulative, controlling; bottom line, possessive. Well of course he has no clue on what I was planning to do, because if he did I don't think we will be in talking terms now. Worst still, though I know it is nobody's fault now, I cant help but feel pangs of anger still burning inside.
Boy oh boy, I think we have dilemma here. Again, I'm not saying that he is free of fault but my problem seemed to be amplifying it further. I think exaggerating the already existing cracks is the last thing we need in our present position. And that is the only thing I seem to do best....
What happen was a series of coincidental occurrences which adds up to form a picture of oblivion on his part which ultimately, naturally pissed me off real bad. I was on the verge of doing something really stupid but luckily was stopped in nick of time by him. Thank my lucky stars for that. If not, the resulting damages would reflect badly on me. I would appear manipulative, controlling; bottom line, possessive. Well of course he has no clue on what I was planning to do, because if he did I don't think we will be in talking terms now. Worst still, though I know it is nobody's fault now, I cant help but feel pangs of anger still burning inside.
Boy oh boy, I think we have dilemma here. Again, I'm not saying that he is free of fault but my problem seemed to be amplifying it further. I think exaggerating the already existing cracks is the last thing we need in our present position. And that is the only thing I seem to do best....
Friday, July 10, 2009
Me duele amarte
There was once I came across this line,
"Just because someone does not love you the way you want them to, it does not mean that they do not love you with all their soul"
~Gabriel Garcia Marquez
And I thought it was a beautiful line. Touching. I understood the line, but I don't know it. When I met you, you enlightened me about relationship. Why is it cliched that everyone said relationship is all about give and take. I guess it has a lot to do with that line. At least in my case.
You are different from other guys I have ever known. You come with the surprise element; one minute you trash my heart, and the next thing I know you will be the reason I'm smiling. I really don't know what to expect of you. And there are many times I find myself questioning, "Can I handle this?"
I have to admit we both have very different views on relationship, on the extent of commitment and definitions of commitments and obligations in courtship. I tried compromising and understanding your position, but have you ever tried putting yourself in my shoes?
I told myself countless times, this is you. It's either I like you enough to accept the whole package or give up and walk away from all this. I know you are curious, why did I turn back. My answer is it hurts when I'm with you but it hurts even more when you're not here with me. So I decided to turnabout. Now, I am doubting if it is a wise choice after all.
Every time you did something wrong, or I felt was wrong, I tried reasoning it out with logic and ignore any traces of emotions in my judgment. My problem is, isn't emotion suppose to be involve in our current state? Isn't emotion the major part of our special bondage relative to normal friends? If I am to leave out any emotional influence in judgment, what's the difference between us being 'special friends' compared to normal friends? I kept reminding myself about the quote. I tried convincing myself that this is how you appreciate us. It is you, and there is nothing wrong on how you are treating us. Most importantly, you care for me as much as I do for you. It should not matter how you choose to display your affection because different people have different ways of expressing feelings. You just chose a different method from me. But I was wrong. I cant help but expect more and I want all or nothing. I need you to give me more. I cannot survive on such meager attention you are giving.
I tried asking you and discuss about this. But when I hear myself, I was disgusted. I sound like those girls that I swore not to be. Naggy and irrational. The scariest thing is, I do understand what they are feeling and why they repeatedly ask questions. I feel like I am slowly turning into one of them.
I'm losing my grip in this. I don't know what is right or wrong anymore. Everytime I try to discern, I wonder, am I really being rational by trying to understand you or am I merely lying to myself??! Am I repeatedly making up excuses on you behalf so that it hurts less than to accept the reality? Or I am really a psycho control freak who is running low on sanity??! I don't know. I don't know anymore! I am trying pretty hard to be understanding. I am doing my best to compromise to your convenience. But I don't know if I am over doing it at the expense of my deservance. Is this how it should be? Does it hurt this much to love?
There is no need for you to be a doting companion. Not yet. I know I should not expect so much at such early stage. After all we are rekindling the burn out flame. But why wouldn't you want to be? By the way, that question is rhetorical. I rather not know the answer.
If this is how it should go, I think I should let this go again. History is going to repeat itself and we are going to suffer the same fate as we did before. I rather leave now when things are not severe between us. At least, we are still sailing through the sweet phase and there are sweet memories to savour. And if we leave now, we take with us the sweet memories rather than the bitter end we're going to face later. And all I can do at that time is just watch us die all over again. I pray hard that I am thinking too much. Like what you always claim me to be. But I know there are some truths in my worries.
All I want to say is, I really like you hun, but I don't know where should I go from here. You're the only one who can save me. You are my only answer.
"Just because someone does not love you the way you want them to, it does not mean that they do not love you with all their soul"
~Gabriel Garcia Marquez
And I thought it was a beautiful line. Touching. I understood the line, but I don't know it. When I met you, you enlightened me about relationship. Why is it cliched that everyone said relationship is all about give and take. I guess it has a lot to do with that line. At least in my case.
You are different from other guys I have ever known. You come with the surprise element; one minute you trash my heart, and the next thing I know you will be the reason I'm smiling. I really don't know what to expect of you. And there are many times I find myself questioning, "Can I handle this?"
I have to admit we both have very different views on relationship, on the extent of commitment and definitions of commitments and obligations in courtship. I tried compromising and understanding your position, but have you ever tried putting yourself in my shoes?
I told myself countless times, this is you. It's either I like you enough to accept the whole package or give up and walk away from all this. I know you are curious, why did I turn back. My answer is it hurts when I'm with you but it hurts even more when you're not here with me. So I decided to turnabout. Now, I am doubting if it is a wise choice after all.
Every time you did something wrong, or I felt was wrong, I tried reasoning it out with logic and ignore any traces of emotions in my judgment. My problem is, isn't emotion suppose to be involve in our current state? Isn't emotion the major part of our special bondage relative to normal friends? If I am to leave out any emotional influence in judgment, what's the difference between us being 'special friends' compared to normal friends? I kept reminding myself about the quote. I tried convincing myself that this is how you appreciate us. It is you, and there is nothing wrong on how you are treating us. Most importantly, you care for me as much as I do for you. It should not matter how you choose to display your affection because different people have different ways of expressing feelings. You just chose a different method from me. But I was wrong. I cant help but expect more and I want all or nothing. I need you to give me more. I cannot survive on such meager attention you are giving.
I tried asking you and discuss about this. But when I hear myself, I was disgusted. I sound like those girls that I swore not to be. Naggy and irrational. The scariest thing is, I do understand what they are feeling and why they repeatedly ask questions. I feel like I am slowly turning into one of them.
I'm losing my grip in this. I don't know what is right or wrong anymore. Everytime I try to discern, I wonder, am I really being rational by trying to understand you or am I merely lying to myself??! Am I repeatedly making up excuses on you behalf so that it hurts less than to accept the reality? Or I am really a psycho control freak who is running low on sanity??! I don't know. I don't know anymore! I am trying pretty hard to be understanding. I am doing my best to compromise to your convenience. But I don't know if I am over doing it at the expense of my deservance. Is this how it should be? Does it hurt this much to love?
There is no need for you to be a doting companion. Not yet. I know I should not expect so much at such early stage. After all we are rekindling the burn out flame. But why wouldn't you want to be? By the way, that question is rhetorical. I rather not know the answer.
If this is how it should go, I think I should let this go again. History is going to repeat itself and we are going to suffer the same fate as we did before. I rather leave now when things are not severe between us. At least, we are still sailing through the sweet phase and there are sweet memories to savour. And if we leave now, we take with us the sweet memories rather than the bitter end we're going to face later. And all I can do at that time is just watch us die all over again. I pray hard that I am thinking too much. Like what you always claim me to be. But I know there are some truths in my worries.
All I want to say is, I really like you hun, but I don't know where should I go from here. You're the only one who can save me. You are my only answer.
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