Just for you

This past one year has been life changing for me. So many ups and downs and I don't even know where to begin.You might wonder, after so long, what is it that prompt me to blog again. Lol. Actually its nothing. I just felt a sudden urge to voice my opinions to public again. Previously, lots of "involved" parties were reading my blog. Well, after one year break, I think everyone has forgotten about my blog and its safe to blog again :)

Ok. Let's cut the crap and start the story. As I said, life changing. What is life changing? I can't exactly write it all here; some are too pnc and it will be ridiculously lengthy if I were to type all out. So, I will type bits n pieces of it; depending on my mood :p

All these years, I always thought that I make a wonderful companion. Seriously, I imagine being an affectionate, passionate, caring, understanding, and loving person.

NEWS FLASH!!!!!!

I'm not. I did pay a pretty high price to learn about my self- proclaim forte. Along this "learning" process, I end up hurting someone, and myself. It's a soul searching, self learning process, or whatever you call it. I'm not saying it is entirely my fault, the other party is at fault too. And I don't wanna go over there. Lets just stick to my side only ok?

So what is my fault? Hmm. Tough question. Maybe I'm too egoistical? Maybe I'm not articulate? Mostly, I think I'm selfish and demanding. Selfish for always putting myself above others. Selfish for always blaming anyone but myself. I know I have issues but that don't make you easy too. You're quite a wreck yourself.

It is easier to say it's no one's fault. Because when everyone is responsible than no one is. I hate to think that I contributed to the demise but I guess that is something I can't deny, can I? I kept asking questions that I already know the answer. I was too engross with my own assumptions and perceptions on things until I forgot to ask what do you think about it. Put it simpler, I was drowning in my own insecurity. I kept holding on to the past and dragged it forward and refused to let it go. So much so I punished you with my past. But still, you tried accepting what makes me, me.

Many times I was given a chance to express myself but I was unable too. I couldn't respond to you. I think too much, I was hesitant. I was too careful. Maybe it's a good thing. I know you were insecure yourself but I didn't reach out to you. I was busy saving myself. And you needed your saving as well. And I know, if only I say what was on my mind, I could have saved you. But I didn't. I worry too much about how much I give. I wanted returns with no sacrifices.

Then you left. Why didn't I stop you? Cause I don't think I can and I might hurt you more. Even if I manage to, it is only for that period. After that, I know you will still leave. I don't know what else to do to revive and rekindle things. I appear to you to be aloof and unaffected. You have no idea how much I wanted you to stay. But what can I do? You have given up on me.

Now, why am I still harping on this? Maybe cause I've reached the end, and I start thinking about the beginning. Or maybe I feel that I could have done much better. Either way, fact remains that we have reached the end and there's nothing left to be done. Perhaps, this was a mistake from the start. I wasn't even whole to begin with and neither were you. I know we tried our best. But the best isn't always good enough.

Like John Mayor sang "it's better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say". I doubt that line. I said too much on what I shouldn't and said too little on what I should. I guess, the best still would be, use your head before you talk. Lol.

It's a slim chance that you will stumble upon this and read it. But just so you know, this post goes out to you. You know who you are. So here's the answer you've been waiting for the question you always asked me. No more hesitance this time. Yes, you mean much more to me than I thought you did. I wish I could have told you when we still had each other. Against all odds, I hope you will read this. It is too late but here is another thing I owe you. Just two lines.

You're a rebound. And I'm a liar.