Pictures of you. Pictures of me.

Sometimes I pause at the littlest thing I do. And I wonder; if you are here what would you have done; what difference will you make. I guess I'm missing your presence; struggling to embrace your absence. So far your position is still left vacant and I doubt there is anyone that can perfectly fit the space you left. Maybe I might find someone that can provide as much consolation as you did but I know. No, know is an understatement. I am sure that your seat is forever empty. Cause no one can produce the same resume as you.

It seems like yesterday we last spoke. Seeing your icons idle, knowing that it will never come to life again makes me feel empty inside. Sometimes you run through my thoughts and I get an impulse to talk to you but I know you won't be there anymore. Our last conversation wasn't the sweetest and if I know what I know today, I will tell you how wonderful you are.

Your passing is definitely more profound than anticipated. I miss you very much and these words isn't even half of what I feel inside. Words just ain't enough.

Far and away

Tomorrow, I'm going on a trip. Some crap trip to Malacca which I'm not looking forward to. Yeap, I have the chance to make new people, make new friends, widen my horizon, bla bla bla, I don't give a shit. I just wanna go to office, see my stuck up colleagues, suck up to them, get stuck in jam, get really mad, and come back home. I'll be back on Wednesday only. I'm leaving noon tomorrow. Carrying huge luggage to office and keeping it for the first half of the day isn't exactly my favourite scenario. Urgh this is such nuisance.

My main problem with travelling, and sharing a room with an unknown stranger is sleeping. As I have mention in my earlier posts, sleeping is the most crucial time for me. Anything that gets in between me and my sleep will not have a happy ending. I'm a new comer in my office, I won't like creating conflicts with newly met colleagues. But problem starts if my roomie is getting in the way with my sleep. If she snores or on the lights to sleep, or do anything possible that interferes my sleep, she won't like me very much and neither will I like her. Plus, I don't know nuts about her. How can I trust to leave my belongings in the room? Ok maybe I am being too cynical. But has occurrences in this society provide any comfort in the safety of your belongings? I don't think so. There is a thin line separating cynicism and caution.

Anyways, knowing Thornberry, she has always thought of a way to solve potential problems :D I'm bringing my ever so faithful anti histamine and codeine :) What is that? That's my sleep-inducing potion. Lol. Yes, I abuse drugs but for good intentions. So in case of roomie interference with my sleep, I can just pop those beauties into my mouth and snore the whole night through. That will teach her a lesson about disrupting my sleep. Hehe.

I'm done packing for now. At least I think I brought everything. And I'm not looking forward to be walking around with the extra huge luggage. Embarrassing. Not to mention heavy. Bleh. So much for orientation trip.

Whatever la. Goodnight.

Thornberry and her job

I am starting my new job in 2 days time. Damn, just when I'm getting adjusted to boredom and its bliss I am called to work. Not that I wanna complain on that :D It's a privilege to actually get a place at where I'm going to work.

I guess it's blue run again. I'm going to have lesser chance to blog and even if I do, it'll be monotonous. I'm not looking forward to be meeting new people. Lol. Quite a stick in the mud. You can blame it on the emotional rollercoaster I underwent last week. Or maybe it's hormonal inequilibrium acting up on me :p

I heard rumours regarding my position. They say it's a boring job. Repetitive. Mundane. Routine. Lack of people communication. Desk bound. Back end job. The recipe for a job that makes you snooze. But hey! I am a person who opts for boredom and stability. If words are true about my job then I think I found what is perfect for me :D

One thing that puts me of is TRAFFIC JAM. Let me tell you how bad the jam is in Damansara. Based on my experience and extrapolation and prediction, approximately 1.5 hr is needed to reach my office. OMG giler! And....the cherry on top of the cake is the toll costs rm8 (to and fro) plus parking of rm9 per day! Deng!!!!! I have calculated and did some cost analysis. RM1k is gonna go for travelling only. I think I should really start sourcing for other alternatives. Staying out seem viable now but more thoughts need to be done. It's a huge commitment there.

Anyways RBC called me the other day to offer me an interview. I was effing tempted to go but too bad, I handed in my employment confirmation earlier that morning. Dang! Ok my current firm is relatively better for accounting graduates like me but human nature. We'll never be contented with what we have, do we? Lol.

That's all for today. I'm getting bored of typing. Toodles.

My friend, Choo Choo Train

I first knew him when I was studying in the library. He had an intimidating look. Makes you think twice about approaching him. I guess we got closer cause we studied a lot together side by side in the library. I just know him for like, 11 months. One month shy of one year. But within this period, I created a whole new perception on friendship. I am not his closest or bestest friend. But I do know I am one of his trusted friends.

He is a guy that put others above himself. Take it from me. He is as I said. He is a sensitive guy. He easily falter to his feelings and he gets in touch with what he feels. Sometimes, this may come as his downfall though. I will always remember him as the one who had the best sense of direction. The way he zooms in and out of Sunway parking; I am envious of him. His silly jokes and infectious laughter, never failed to make you shake your head and say "You silly fella." He is aware of how people are feeling around him. It is safe to say he considers about others' welfare and tried his best to accommodate everybody's wimps and fancies. I watched him, and was amazed at how accommodating he is. He is everything a giving friend would be. I don't know him long enough to exactly say how good or bad he is. But as far as I know, he had always been a wonderful friend to me. Obviously he had his fair share of faults but its negligible. But many misunderstood him. Sadly, I am not in the position to stand up and defend him. For I had given him my word, swore to secrecy.

I may know you for only 11 months. But I wanna say is, you made this 11 months even more colourful than it should be. You introduced me to your group of friends which are of pleasant people. You brought me to him. You taught me many lessons of life. I am sorry I was prejudiced against you due to your chacracter. But you proved me wrong. I should not judge you based on my previous experience. You showed me how a friend can be giving and expect nothing in return. And you brought love back into my life again.

You're so young but you already have the answer to all men's question. I wish I can have you as my long term friend. But I am not God to decide your path. Since I can't extend our friendship, my only regret is not knowing you earlier. I'm sorry I haven't exactly been a good friend. The only consolation I have is knowing you're happy on the last day. At least you woke up that morning, living it as a day worth living, and not knowing what is about to come. I guess we can say awareness is overrated. Oblivion is happiness. That oblivion reduces much suffering and pain.

You lived your life to its best. Its not perfect, but it is the way you want it. And you made ours perfect. If I can turn back time, there's nothing I would like to change in our friendship.

I miss you dearly. I miss the choo-choo train that comforts me when I rant. I miss your animated moves and contagious laughter. I miss using the word "choo". I miss having you round for lunch. I miss seeing your nick pop up in MSN. Most of all, I miss everything that makes you, you. And I thank you for being my friend. I didn't manage to tell you that I finally found a job. I promised you I will give you a treat. But it's not possible now. Plus, you haven't tasted my blueberry cheese. I wished so hard last night you would wake up and at least give me a chance to tell you all this.

I am so sorry I didn't tell you before. And I am so sorry I did not chat with you the night before. I regretted it so badly. I have so many things I have not done and you left so abruptly. I feel a sudden loss. And I'm not used to this. There's so much to do with so little time.

This place is not a place for someone as beautiful as you. I won't forget, once, in this chapter of my life, I have a friend named Choo Jian Yi. Rest in peace. I keep you in my prayers.

I think I better stop here. I find it really hard looking at your name.

Thornberry signing off.

Nostalgia

Today, is the day, I've been waiting for. Not something I looked forward to, more like anticipate will come. All these years of sweat and toil boils down to this very day. As of this moment on, I'm officially a graduate. A Monash graduate. Looking back, I had wonderful memories in Monash. Contributions from my fellow mates of course. My bitches. Not all is sweet, but not all is bitter. Better words to describe would be something to cherish a lifetime. I know, I will never walk down this road again. Or pass by this moment again. Do you know what makes those moments so beautiful? It does not repeat and it does not last forever.

I still remember my first day in uni. I was accompanied by my bestie to attend orientation and some sort of briefing. I met my first friend there. That is one girl I will never forget. From then on, we're close buddies and slowly we got accepted into another bigger group consisting of my favourite bitches. I tried removing them from my uni memories and I realise not a single moment was spent without them. They were apart of everything I do, some how or other. This line maybe cliched but true enough, I can't imagine uni without them.

Scheming through my memories, I would have to say my most enjoyable moments in uni would be during my first semester. I did so many crazy stuff; if I share those with my children next time, they will think I'm one heck of gung-ho mum. I wish I can turn back to those times. There's a difference I wish I can make.

So, here I am. I'm at the crossroads. Every choice that I make now matters. One road leads to another. Who am I to know where the road not taken will lead to. And how am I to know where the road I take will lead me to. There are so many choices and options flying around. I'm at uncharted water, I've never done this before and I don't know what's best for me. Worst still, I don't know what I want. Previously, all that mattered was getting through uni but now, getting through life is a total different story. Cause life includes career, and family. Yes, family. That means I have to find my the other half. Tough job.

I have few options lying ahead of me for careers. I've been putting this off for several months. Now, I've reached the point it is looming large in front of me. It is too close to ignore. Choosing career means deciding a major part of my life, with very limited visibility of what's ahead. Guided with instincts and inexperience, I have to make choices of sink or swim. I hate this part right here.

And there's the personal problem. Well, there are certain emotional luggage that I have to leave behind in pursuit of career. That's one complicated issue that I can't seem to sort. And I don't want to fry my brain thinking about it. I don't know if this person is worth the time and consideration in my future plans but I do know I'm finding it hard to leave this luggage behind.

Goodnight.

OMG! I got an F for anger management

Just moments ago, there was another testament to my ailing anger management efforts. I really think I have issues and I am in urgency to set my perspectives right. This is especially scary for him. I seemed to be taking it out a lot on him and I expect a great deal from him.



What happen was a series of coincidental occurrences which adds up to form a picture of oblivion on his part which ultimately, naturally pissed me off real bad. I was on the verge of doing something really stupid but luckily was stopped in nick of time by him. Thank my lucky stars for that. If not, the resulting damages would reflect badly on me. I would appear manipulative, controlling; bottom line, possessive. Well of course he has no clue on what I was planning to do, because if he did I don't think we will be in talking terms now. Worst still, though I know it is nobody's fault now, I cant help but feel pangs of anger still burning inside.

Boy oh boy, I think we have dilemma here. Again, I'm not saying that he is free of fault but my problem seemed to be amplifying it further. I think exaggerating the already existing cracks is the last thing we need in our present position. And that is the only thing I seem to do best....

Me duele amarte

There was once I came across this line,

"Just because someone does not love you the way you want them to, it does not mean that they do not love you with all their soul"
~Gabriel Garcia Marquez

And I thought it was a beautiful line. Touching. I understood the line, but I don't know it. When I met you, you enlightened me about relationship. Why is it cliched that everyone said relationship is all about give and take. I guess it has a lot to do with that line. At least in my case.
You are different from other guys I have ever known. You come with the surprise element; one minute you trash my heart, and the next thing I know you will be the reason I'm smiling. I really don't know what to expect of you. And there are many times I find myself questioning, "Can I handle this?"

I have to admit we both have very different views on relationship, on the extent of commitment and definitions of commitments and obligations in courtship. I tried compromising and understanding your position, but have you ever tried putting yourself in my shoes?
I told myself countless times, this is you. It's either I like you enough to accept the whole package or give up and walk away from all this. I know you are curious, why did I turn back. My answer is it hurts when I'm with you but it hurts even more when you're not here with me. So I decided to turnabout. Now, I am doubting if it is a wise choice after all.

Every time you did something wrong, or I felt was wrong, I tried reasoning it out with logic and ignore any traces of emotions in my judgment. My problem is, isn't emotion suppose to be involve in our current state? Isn't emotion the major part of our special bondage relative to normal friends? If I am to leave out any emotional influence in judgment, what's the difference between us being 'special friends' compared to normal friends? I kept reminding myself about the quote. I tried convincing myself that this is how you appreciate us. It is you, and there is nothing wrong on how you are treating us. Most importantly, you care for me as much as I do for you. It should not matter how you choose to display your affection because different people have different ways of expressing feelings. You just chose a different method from me. But I was wrong. I cant help but expect more and I want all or nothing. I need you to give me more. I cannot survive on such meager attention you are giving.

I tried asking you and discuss about this. But when I hear myself, I was disgusted. I sound like those girls that I swore not to be. Naggy and irrational. The scariest thing is, I do understand what they are feeling and why they repeatedly ask questions. I feel like I am slowly turning into one of them.

I'm losing my grip in this. I don't know what is right or wrong anymore. Everytime I try to discern, I wonder, am I really being rational by trying to understand you or am I merely lying to myself??! Am I repeatedly making up excuses on you behalf so that it hurts less than to accept the reality? Or I am really a psycho control freak who is running low on sanity??! I don't know. I don't know anymore! I am trying pretty hard to be understanding. I am doing my best to compromise to your convenience. But I don't know if I am over doing it at the expense of my deservance. Is this how it should be? Does it hurt this much to love?

There is no need for you to be a doting companion. Not yet. I know I should not expect so much at such early stage. After all we are rekindling the burn out flame. But why wouldn't you want to be? By the way, that question is rhetorical. I rather not know the answer.

If this is how it should go, I think I should let this go again. History is going to repeat itself and we are going to suffer the same fate as we did before. I rather leave now when things are not severe between us. At least, we are still sailing through the sweet phase and there are sweet memories to savour. And if we leave now, we take with us the sweet memories rather than the bitter end we're going to face later. And all I can do at that time is just watch us die all over again. I pray hard that I am thinking too much. Like what you always claim me to be. But I know there are some truths in my worries.

All I want to say is, I really like you hun, but I don't know where should I go from here. You're the only one who can save me. You are my only answer.

Random

This is sickening. I have a 20-page report to type on global financial crisis, instead I am sitting here, blogging. My brain juice is officially dried. Used up every single drop of it. And I am only 40% done for my report. Bravo :D I'm just looking forward to this weekend. Got some birthday outing. Hopefully. Perhaps, I can feel human again.
I noticed that my blog is becoming lifeless. What can you expect from someone who is constantly doing assignment for coming 1- month already. Eff assignment.
Feeling rather nostalgic now.
Night.

Slow spinning redemption

I'm suffocating. Sinking, deeper and deeper. Drowning. I'm reaching the bottom soon. It is dark and murky. I can't see light. Groping in the dark. Aimless. Tides keep pounding. I'm drifting further and further away. Hurry! Someone grab my hands. Before I'm forever lost at sea. The sea of my thoughts.

Shift_Overdrive

Finally!! Breather!! How I struggled and toiled this week. Assignments just come pouring in. No stops. And I'm drowning. I have another one due this Monday which leaves me 3 days to finish up a research essay plus to calculations. As if the essay itself won't kill me. Man I feel so suffocated.What I need now is to go on shopping spree with plenty of blue notes of course. And to go for a nice movie or a long trip. Outside Selangor of course.
Forgive me for my spastically short line. I overworked my brain, stringing sentences until it malfunctioned. Bad...OK enough of blogging. Wanna save my 'writting' command and not overuse it. I'm damn tired of trying to link and string sentences.

So farewell. Bye

Empty thoughts

I was looking through all my posts and I noticed that I did not blog much about my daily routine. What I meant was something that you normally find in conventional blogs ie. today I woke up what time, I reached the toilet what time, how many counts of brushing my teeth etc. It's not that I don't like blogging about my life but I totally dislike blogging about what I do repeatedly everyday. I mean who wants to know right? We all do it everyday. At least I hope so. Lol.

Anyways, my bestie asked my yesterday how am I lately and I answered of course. But it took me some time to answer. Cause I don't know what is significant in my life that I think she ought to know. I just think that I am leading such a mundane life that it is so routined that I have nothing to tell her at all. It is like I am wired in such a way that I live and do everything the same at the exact moment everyday. I am at peace these days but I wouldn't say I am ecstastic either. It is just that i am feeling pretty much indifferent most of the time that I don't feel much up and down. So if there is no up how can there be a down? Like a constant linear graph.

Giving it much thought, I came up with 3 word description of how I am; what I am feeling to be precise. To make it sound less uninteresting :D
I am dumped, lonely and horny :p

The four rules of thumb

I was thinking today. And I realised that I'm quite temperamental in general. I wasn't like this when I was younger but lately my tolerance level has gone down quite significantly. Blame it on hormones, but normally I held back and put on a pokerface *yea this is where my nick comes in handy* and act cool. I know my outburst is unreasonable but hey when I hit the point it's not like I want to right?
For those who know me, they will know there are few ways of getting on to my nerves.
So here are top few ways of pulling my chain:

Four
Eating time. Hah! Classic. A hungry man is an angry man. That phrase applies to me so well. It's as if its custom made. For me. When I'm hungry, anything that causes me to unable to have my meal is like stepping on a mad dog's tail. Obeying my bio-clock is extremely crucial to me. When my tummy calls, it has to be answered IMMEDIATELY.

Three
I don't know about everyone else, but have you ever encounter people who are extra cheerful in the morning? Urgh. Annoyinggggg. In the morning, I am a grumpy person. Ok. That's an understatement. The morning is the time when the whole world is against me and I'm against the world. Morning is my private time. My sanctuary time. Me and Thornberry time. I really appreciate it if no one interferes with my me-time and leave me be. You wanna be cheerful? Fine by me. But don't try pulling me in with pathetic efforts. I am cycnical and bitter in the morning and I like to stay that way. That don't always apply on all mornings of course. Only happens on mornings I have to wake up early. Say, 6ish and earlier. Other days when I get the privilege of waking up late, I'm totally normal on those days :) Of course I do get better on those 'fateful' morning. That is after a lapse of 1ish hour.

Two
Frogs. Frogs are the experts at boiling my nerves. They seem to have the inborn talent of knowing which spot to hit and rocket me up and through my roof. The constant ONGs! ONGs! they orchestrate at night ie. rainy nights piss me off so bad, I can envision horrific graphics in my mind. Its in my older posts. Yea. About things I wanna do badly to the green creatures. There were a couple of times, when the sopranos of the frogs were at their highest notes interfered with my sleep, I was tossing and turning on my bed with violent fits of anger. So much so, I have to shift to another room to sleep. On yoga mat that is. Imagine the hardness of the floor. But, I've found a way to put the frogs to silence. Forever :D

One
The ultimate way to see the darker shade of Thornberry is *drumrolls* upsetting my sleep. I am a fussy sleeper. A little too much of light or sound or a little too hot makes the environment unfeasible for me to sleep. I need extremely conducive surroundings to fall asleep. I am sensitive to the extent of, even aircond water leaking outside can annoy me. Or sound of water in the toilet dripping for that matter. And this includes the frogs definitely.
So anything or anyone that caused any incongruity to the 'conduciveness' will face my wrath. In fact, I called the police a couple of times to arrest my neighbour for blasting the f-radio in ungodly hours. I attempted throwing rocks or stones at first. But there was nothing nearby to throw that can bring enough damage. So I gave up. Yeap. I admit it. But the police came surprisingly and warned my neighbour only. Lucky them. They know it was me. So what?? Sue me la. I even hung 2 layers of dark curtains to block out any lights that can disrupt my sleep. I went to the length of taping the small green light on the aircond. Cause I think it is too bright. See how particular I am?

Conclusion of the story. Thornberry = fussy.

Stick in the mud

I was lying on my bed thinking the other night before I sleep. About life after uni. How will it be like? Where will my future take me? From all I can anticipate are; fear of finding a job, the worry of coping with the job, financial concerns and adapting to the real world. Don't you just feel exposed and unsheltered thinking about it? I do. And I haven't even make allowance for what that may come, unanticipated.

I have major plans ahead of me once I graduate. Can't exactly disclose it here, it's too private. But what are the odds of carrying it out, I don't know. Seeing my current position now, I'm not exactly in good shape to be pondering about it. I hate thinking about it. Usually I just push it to the back of my thoughts.

Facing this unusual crisis of life-after-uni, it makes me realise how much I wanted to grow old the Malaysian way. Note that I didn't say I wanna stay in Malaysia. I just wanna experience Malaysian life a little longer. Maybe I wanna experience it for as long as I live. Human nature. We're most comfortable or most accepting of what we experience first. The changes are usually rejected and unwelcomed. Unless, the prior experience is horribly unbearable or the changes brings much more positive outlook as compared to the past. Don't agree with me? OK. Here's an example. Let's say you've been listening to this song for all your life. And suddenly a new singer came and remixed the song. I think most people will find themselves inclined towards the original piece comparing with the remix version. Barring, the remix version is vastly superior than the previous piece. Or the previous piece is excruciating to the ear. If there's only so much difference between the current and the changes, then people are likely to ignore the miniscule changes and stick with the present.

Sorry, I digress. I'm trying to make a point here. My life after uni, considering the plan, may bring me a better life. But sacrifices are indispensable. No pain, no gain right? And its going to be a costly one. If I survive this, then I dare say I am something. But if I don't, it's gonna be a long fall; a long way down. Either way, I'm trapped. If the plan works, I'm going to be paying some high price for some time. Aborting the plan isn't exactly in my favour as well. I'm not happy either ways. Bottomline, I hate leaving my comfort zone. I hate changes.

I never thought proceeding in life will bring this much worries. When I was a kid, I always wished I'll grow up faster, so I can do whatever I want. I guess Mr. Spidey has it right, "with great power comes great responsibility". Now that I have my freedom, I have greater responsibilities. It's a counter- independence logic.

I wanna have a little time longer:
Going to mamak late at night
Going to pasar malam
Staying in freehold, and landed homes
People around me who can't speak such perfect Engrand *makes me feel superior :p..ok i'm so evil*
Speeding on highways without worrying about efficient law enforcers
Eating diverse local delicacies
Able to visit other states, and feel the difference as you enter those states
Having to travel far to get somewhere
Going to the beaches and many other islands to visit instead of being stuck with just one
Most of all, breaking rules because it is possible :D

All in all, I'm not patriotic. But I do love the imperfect Malaysian ways.

Rubbish post. Don't bother reading

Today's post is going to be boring. Cause I'm feeling bored. I'm bored from feeling worried. Its about my presentation. Yeah, I've been sitting here since don't remember what time typing my slides. Thanks to she-who-must-not-be-mentioned. But I'll give you a hint. It's the lady with red mouse who goes click-click-click away. Man, I hate her and that freaking mouse. I wish I can javelin the mouse and her to the front of lecture. WAHAHAHA. Anyway, wishful thinking.

I wonder, why am I blogging now. This is one thing I hate about having a blog. I seem to have this obligation to blog but yet I can't squeeze out anything to write. I suppose I'm a responsible blogger :D So here I am, crapping something at least on this blog. Good night.

The WH- questions

I wonder.
What happen to you?
Where have you been?
Why aren't you here?
When will you come back?
Who are you thinking of now?
Whose door you're knocking on now?
Whom are you with now?
Why are we here?
How did we get here?

And then I realised, I'm too lazy to think about it. Why? Cause it is way beyond my convenience to answer all these questions. So, I decided I should sleep and let my brain rest. In fact I can smell something burning. I think its my hair. Good night.

Elise

I saw her. For the first time. Standing there. Amidst the crowd. So beautiful. So elegant. I've never seen any like her before. Elise was her name. Such a beauty. It was effortless to spot her. Her long slender frame, with shade that I have never seen before. Standing out from the crowd. So unique and extraordinary but yet still hold an air of subtlety.

I fell in love. At first sight. I got to have her. I need to own her. So I moved through the crowd. Pushing my way through. Hurrying so that I will get to her quickly. She just stood still, waiting. As if knowing I'm coming for her. I moved and pushed through the others. Finally, I was right in front of her. There she was. Even more beautiful than she was afar.

Slowly, I reached out my hands. I laid my hands on her. Slowly moving it. Carressing her. Feeling her. Reading her. Understanding her. She looked at me pleadingly, wanting me to take her away. Away from this crowded place.

I stared back at her knowing that I can't take her. My true love, Eve is already waiting for me. I got to fight this. If I stay any longer, I won't be able to resist Elise. Gently, I free myself from her grip. Regret flood my heart. I got to leave my love. Cuz, I can't betray her. I am all she has.

I love Eve too. Maybe not as much as I love you. So wait for me. I will come for you. Goodbye my love. Goodbye Elise Levis. Just for now. I shall buy you next time. When Levis have discount.

My "exciting" day

Today let's talk about fire drill. Why?? Bcuz I want to. Lol. Anyways, getting on with my story. Today uni had a fire drill. Well, at least I think it was. I was in class earlier, doing some accounting calculations and suddenly, RING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And a lady with weird accent spoke "Please evacuate this building. This is not a drill. Do not use the elevator. Please use the stairs." There was a moment of confoundment. Pin drop silence. Everyone stared at everyone, in disbelief, perhaps waiting for someone to make the first move. Almost simultaneously, everyone started packing. Well of course I did too. The puzzling thing is, although our hands are moving, grabbing and chucking everything we can find into our bags, there was certainly lack of panic in the air. It's as though everyone thought that "Aiyah, just another drill. Let everyone rush down first. Why wanna rebut leh?"

Eventually, we headed towards the field, gigling of course. By the time we reached the "field", OMG la, the sea of human. All the Monashians scattered everywhere under the baking hot sun. Talking about the sun, man, the heat just pierce through your skin. So, we found the shadiest, least "scented" spot and stood there for freaking 30 good for nothing minutes. With the heavy files and books. How convenient ey? We hardly did anything there. Usually, in high school, the teachers will berceramah "Para pelajar, macam inikah kamu berkumpul semasa kecemasan? Kenapa bawa beg keluar sekali?" And yea this goes on and on until the teacher thinks that we're incinerated enough under the hot sun and our skin is as dry and scaley as hers. AND oh this is classic! The really super annoying prefects, buzzing around like nuisance flies in between the queues. Angkat! Jatuh! Angkat! Jatuh! Letak jari dibibir. WTF la!! I don't see the purpose of doing those until today. That didn't happen of course. Or maybe they did. But I just couldn't hear.

After close to 20 minutes, finally, somebody came up in front and spoke with a loud speaker. Frankly, there is no need for loud speaker, cuz all the students at the back can't hear a freaking thing. Curiousity got the better of me and I tried to peep what's the commotion in front. Too bad for me. Visiblity is poor as you know I'm vertically challenged. I can see nothing more than 50m ahead. So I need to weave through crowds and hop and jump once in awhile to get a look see :) After much "sun bathing", they finally had mercy on us and allowed us back into our classes.

By the way, I managed to eaves dropped and heard that there was a fire in building 3. Bulding 3??!! I never knew we had such building in Monash. Lol. Whoever that is who started the fire, if there was a fire in the first place, well you just burned my money. But I like what you did but....wrong timing!! Should have saved this chance and do it during end of May or maybe early June :) You know why. Lol. I owe you one if you do. And you will save lives :) And I should bring my sun block everday from now on. In case of another drill.

Ok enough of my crappy post. I'm running out of ideas to write. Good night. Have a beautiful nightmare.

Pensieve

I was driving back today from uni and it was jammed. Was listening to Fly and the topic that was on air caught my attention. "Is it okay for a girl to make the first move?"

Well I can't help but reminisce about my past experiences. Lol. Trust me. If only I can store all memories in a bank, I have plenty to share :) What can I say? I'm an 'adventurous' person :D

Ok, back to the question. Is it ok for girls to make the first move?? Hmm. Food for thought. I wanna blog about this but.....I think for the time being I'm kinda lacking of info. Perhaps, I should put this on hold?

Just for you

This past one year has been life changing for me. So many ups and downs and I don't even know where to begin.You might wonder, after so long, what is it that prompt me to blog again. Lol. Actually its nothing. I just felt a sudden urge to voice my opinions to public again. Previously, lots of "involved" parties were reading my blog. Well, after one year break, I think everyone has forgotten about my blog and its safe to blog again :)

Ok. Let's cut the crap and start the story. As I said, life changing. What is life changing? I can't exactly write it all here; some are too pnc and it will be ridiculously lengthy if I were to type all out. So, I will type bits n pieces of it; depending on my mood :p

All these years, I always thought that I make a wonderful companion. Seriously, I imagine being an affectionate, passionate, caring, understanding, and loving person.

NEWS FLASH!!!!!!

I'm not. I did pay a pretty high price to learn about my self- proclaim forte. Along this "learning" process, I end up hurting someone, and myself. It's a soul searching, self learning process, or whatever you call it. I'm not saying it is entirely my fault, the other party is at fault too. And I don't wanna go over there. Lets just stick to my side only ok?

So what is my fault? Hmm. Tough question. Maybe I'm too egoistical? Maybe I'm not articulate? Mostly, I think I'm selfish and demanding. Selfish for always putting myself above others. Selfish for always blaming anyone but myself. I know I have issues but that don't make you easy too. You're quite a wreck yourself.

It is easier to say it's no one's fault. Because when everyone is responsible than no one is. I hate to think that I contributed to the demise but I guess that is something I can't deny, can I? I kept asking questions that I already know the answer. I was too engross with my own assumptions and perceptions on things until I forgot to ask what do you think about it. Put it simpler, I was drowning in my own insecurity. I kept holding on to the past and dragged it forward and refused to let it go. So much so I punished you with my past. But still, you tried accepting what makes me, me.

Many times I was given a chance to express myself but I was unable too. I couldn't respond to you. I think too much, I was hesitant. I was too careful. Maybe it's a good thing. I know you were insecure yourself but I didn't reach out to you. I was busy saving myself. And you needed your saving as well. And I know, if only I say what was on my mind, I could have saved you. But I didn't. I worry too much about how much I give. I wanted returns with no sacrifices.

Then you left. Why didn't I stop you? Cause I don't think I can and I might hurt you more. Even if I manage to, it is only for that period. After that, I know you will still leave. I don't know what else to do to revive and rekindle things. I appear to you to be aloof and unaffected. You have no idea how much I wanted you to stay. But what can I do? You have given up on me.

Now, why am I still harping on this? Maybe cause I've reached the end, and I start thinking about the beginning. Or maybe I feel that I could have done much better. Either way, fact remains that we have reached the end and there's nothing left to be done. Perhaps, this was a mistake from the start. I wasn't even whole to begin with and neither were you. I know we tried our best. But the best isn't always good enough.

Like John Mayor sang "it's better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say". I doubt that line. I said too much on what I shouldn't and said too little on what I should. I guess, the best still would be, use your head before you talk. Lol.

It's a slim chance that you will stumble upon this and read it. But just so you know, this post goes out to you. You know who you are. So here's the answer you've been waiting for the question you always asked me. No more hesitance this time. Yes, you mean much more to me than I thought you did. I wish I could have told you when we still had each other. Against all odds, I hope you will read this. It is too late but here is another thing I owe you. Just two lines.

You're a rebound. And I'm a liar.